By Nicky Disbrow
How many calories have you eaten today? Have you exercised yet? Did you burn enough calories? Have you gone over your net calories for the day?
Imagine all of these questions, and many more, continuously crossing your mind and controlling your every thought on a daily basis. This is what it is like to have an eating disorder. Only in reality it is much worse.
Eating disorders are “serious conditions related to persistent eating behaviors that negatively impact your health, your emotions and your ability to function in important areas of life,” according to the Mayo Clinic. Although this appears to be a thorough definition, there is far more to these disorders that cause them to be potentially life threatening and extremely dangerous.
“Many people are worried about their body image and have somewhat disordered eating patterns,” says Rachel Laughlin, a licensed dietician who specializes in eating disorder patients. “However, it’s when these behaviors and habits begin to affect the person’s ability to function in a normal situation or society when it becomes classified as an eating disorder.”
Laughlin adds that eating disorders develop into an obsession that revolves around a feeling. “A lot of it is about a feeling,” Laughlin says. “People begin to feel comfortable in their eating disorder.” The obsessive nature of eating disorders and safeness felt from them can cause treatment and recovery to be very difficult. Thankfully, treatment leading to recovery from an eating disorder is possible. I am living proof of this.
My eating disorder started in 2011, the summer after my freshman year of college. I was in denial that anything was wrong with me until I was officially diagnosed in 2012 with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified).
Because of my extreme restriction of caloric intake and my rigorous exercising, I had lost an unhealthy amount of weight and burned such a high amount fat that my body began to eat away at my muscles, including my heart. I was told that I was at risk of having a heart attack at any moment, and my brain matter was beginning to erode.
People continuously tortured me with the question, “Why don’t you eat more and exercise less?” Well, it’s not that simple. Living with an eating disorder is like living with a powerful person inside your head trying to hijack your every thought and action. Eating disorders are psychological disorders that not only affect you physically, but also mentally.
Every day, I was in a constant battle against myself. My brain would go into hyper drive with negative, obsessive thoughts that I could never turn off. I would be unable to sit down and watch TV for five minutes without being berated by my own mind obsessing over what I ate, what I was going to eat, how much I had exercised, if I burned enough calories, etc. Along with this, I began spiraling further downward and developed severe depression and anxiety.
I could no longer function. I felt hopeless, faithless, lost, scared, ashamed, empty, broken and alone.
But I was not alone, and I fought back. I refused to let my disorder define me and consume my life. I began treatment and had an incredible support system around me that helped me on my road to recovery. My parents played a vital role in my recovery process during treatment. They supported me and loved me, while also holding me accountable and making sure I was taking the correct steps in order to recover. I went through a year and a half of treatment, and since completion in 2013, I am now considered “a recovered eating disorder patient.”
To think I was literally killing myself because of this disorder still amazes me and makes me realize how thankful I am to have gotten this far in recovery. This leaves me with a message to those out there who are struggling: You are not alone, and you are stronger than you let your mind make you believe. Never give up and never lose hope. Recovery is possible.
Photo courtesy of Callie Rebecca Photography
